Another long absence from the blog. The Mountain Hut has been drenched in tears as I prepare to say farewell to my brother in law, who is dying of cancer. He's off to a better place, whatever his destination. I feel so sad for my sister and their son, who is only 6. I know how I'd like to feel, and deal with this: serene, understanding, and compassionate. However I'm a red-and-swollen-eyed mess, who hasn't eaten properly in weeks and gets headaches and stomach aches from the stress. Acceptance is hard to find. It's all so unfair.
(edited: ok, "whingeing" is a little harsh. I'll add "sad")
7 comments:
I don't think you should label this on "whingeing". You have to be pretty far down the path to accept something like this in a calm, serene manner. I don't know whether it helps, but my teacher/friend was told by Master Sheng-Yen in similar circumstances, "Let go of your attachments - but pick up your responsibilities." Your sister and her family need you greatly now, so throw yourself into it with as little hint of denial and aversion as you can muster. Let the work channel your grief. Let us know how you get on. You are all in my thoughts.
Cheers, Spud. I am so paralysed. I just want to run away and not deal with any of it. Times like this I really wish I *were* up in a mountain hut so I wouldn't have to deal with it all. I just don't know what to do. I would really appreciate any advice you can give.
Oo-er - I'm no sage, and certainly no counsellor. The only thing that occurs to me right now is not advice, nor maybe what you want to hear, but it's this; even if you were up in a mountain hut you'd still have to deal with it. You cannot run away, because the situation is part of you. Your sister & nephew need your support. Probably what your bro-in-law needs most is for someone at least to treat him normally and not give him the kid gloves treatment - I know that's what I'd want if I were in his shoes.
Spud, you are the voice of reason. I was visiting last week and my sister was fussing over him and he was visibly annoyed - like, "leave me to do what I can for myself while I can." It was an interesting interchange to see. Despite his physical frailty he is still the independent adult he's always been, and I suspect he dislikes the dependence more than the actual disease. Hmm. You are wise more than you know, Mr McL. Thanks.
*bashful smile*
How goes life?
BIL is still hanging in there. Even *he* is sick of it all, and when he wakes up he says "geez, am I still here?" A few panic rushes to the hosp but BIL keeps making heroic recoveries. I spent the weekend amusing my nephew, and exhausting myself in the process. 6 year olds are so full of energy! I feel a lot better, though, for realising that I'm not the one running the show. For some reason I felt like I should be there doing things, whereas that's not the case. Phew. I'll stick to going to work and kid-sitting, until Xmas when I'll be off for a few weeks. Blah.
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